Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
