He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
The uberlube is also flammable
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Randomize
