They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
