Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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