So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
