I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
