maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
