Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
