You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
