He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
