Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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