Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So apparently I’m into choking now
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
