when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
