I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
