so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
