the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
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Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
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I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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