I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
