How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
How does one acquire holy water?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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