So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
