how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
