would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
