What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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