bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
