This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
