the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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