So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I pour the whiskey from now on
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
