mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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