Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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