i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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