She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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