Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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