I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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