sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We talked him into tasing himself.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
