I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
do nipples grow back?
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