the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
