I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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