Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
