A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize