Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Randomize
