In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
