I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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