I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
