Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
