Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
