Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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