My friends, they love my intelligence
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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