In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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