Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
