How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
