I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
