It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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