How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
