My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
