If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
