Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
