I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
