It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
